All Appologies

Dear Lucia,

Sometimes we make a mistake or poor judgment which results in hurting someone. When you're young, the hurt tends to be physical. The hurt becomes emotional as you grow older. In either case, you will have to apologize for your actions. It doesn't matter whether you meant to hurt the other person or not. The fact remains that you have done something to hurt another person and you must rectify the situation.

Believe it or not, even your dear old dad has hurt someone. I've offended acquaintances, friends, significant others, and even family. In all of those cases, I had to own up to my actions and apologize. There were times I didn't want to say I was sorry, but in the end, it was the right thing to do.

An apology is like a gift you leave at some one's door. They can take it or leave it outside. That's not for you to decide. Your job is to apologize when you've done wrong and don't worry whether the person you hurt accepts it or not.

Whatever you do, always be sincere in your apologies. Don't apologize unless you really mean it. No one wants an insincere apology. It's better to not say you're sorry at all than to lie or say something you don't mean. Of course, that also means if you feel deep in your heart that you did nothing wrong, don't apologize just for the sake of smoothing things over. Basically, mean it every time you say you're sorry or don't apologize at all.

Another thing, don't apologize with conditions. In other words, don't say your sorry on the condition that the other party is also sorry. And don't apologize by blaming the victim. It doesn't count then.

In advance, I will apologize for a few things I will undoubtedly do to you. I apologize for inadvertently making you self-conscious about your appearance your abilities. I apologize for not always taking your needs and wants into consideration when making decisions that affect you.

I apologize for not understanding your interests. I apologize for trying to force you to like my music. I apologize for not approving of your friends and significant others automatically. I apologize for being too overprotective. I apologize for putting your education ahead of any of your other interests. And I apologize for any other way in which I will undoubtedly hurt you over your lifetime.

There it is. I practice what I preach. That's how you apologize.

Love,

Dad

The Lowered Expectations of Soft Bigotry

Dear Lucia,

Your Granny and Pappy have some friends, J and K, that I have known since I was a kid. Pappy has known the couple forever. Your granny often walks with K in the park near where they live. Our families have done many, many things together. You grandparents even visited J and K at their time-share in Florida. These are old, family friends of your Granny and Pappy.

Normally, I wouldn't hesitate to introduce to two close friends like J and K, but something has changed. Well, maybe nothing has changed in J and K, but they have said things that make me believe that they would not be a positive influence on you. Let me explain...

There was a discussion about the current presidential election between Barack Obama and John McCain. J and K said that they could not vote for Obama because they believe him to be Muslim. While this is not true, Granny asked, "So what if he was?" Exactly, Granny.

This is what we call "bigotry." Bigotry is an intolerance of anyone who is different from one's self. While I cannot protect you from all bigotry, I can make some decisions to limit its place in your life. It is doubtful that you will meet J and K while I'm around. This makes me sad. They are normally good people, but I don't want bigotry to exist in your life.

Instead of meeting your grandparents' bigoted friends, I will do what I can to surround you with people who don't discriminate based on race, gender, sexual orientation, or religious beliefs. Of course, you may have to deal with such intolerance at some point in your life, but I don't want to to be the one who brings it into your life. I will introduce you to friends and family who have strong character, know right from wrong, and do not discriminate. If you want to know J and K, you'll have to ask Granny and Pappy about them.

I don't know if I have made it clear in this letter, but it should be noted that your grandparents are not like their friends. They raised me to accept people for the strength of their character, not their religious beliefs - actual or otherwise. The same goes for anything else that might make someone different from myself.

I will do my best to set a good example for you. Bigotry has no place in our home or family.

Love,

Dad

Baby Acne

Dear Lucia,

You have come down with a bad case of baby acne over the past week. This doesn't mean much to you now, but you will be devastated when you hit adolescence and your second wave of acne hits. Not to worry, it's thought that baby acne clears up in a few months. More than likely, it's a case of you mother's hormones still raging inside of you.

As mentioned above, this will not be the last time you deal with acne. Hopefully, your acne will be like ours: a mild nuisance that reoccurs periodically throughout life. Notice that I mentioned it will occur throughout life. Most people think it only happens during puberty, but you already know that is not true. Acne, to varying degrees, will happen for your entire life.

This is nothing to worry about. In our eyes, you are the most beautiful thing we've ever seen, but we are kinda biased. What will really matters is the kind of person you become. If you are kind, thoughtful, diligent, smart, quick, careful, responsible, responsive, caring, consistent, and respectful, it won't matter what you look like. People will judge you for your actions, not your appearance.

Now, keep in mind, this will not include the jerks in your middle school. They will tease you relentlessly for whatever they can find in order to cover up their own shortcomings. Of course, this is another letter for me to write at another time. For now, you should know that the acne will subside, but your character will define you forever.

Love,

Dad

There's Nothing Wrong with Love

Dear Lucia,

A while back, I wrote some blog posts about the music I wanted to play for you. Of course, that was before I knew you. I didn't know whether you'd like my music or not. I just wanted you to gain the same joy from music that I get every time I put on a record or see a band live.

So, tonight I played for you Built to Spill's 1994 classic There's Nothing with Love. Isn't that the greatest, most hopeful title for an album ever? You snuggled up in the Moby wrap while I swayed and danced to the record. We only made it through side A, but I could tell that the songs put you at ease. You recognized "Once" and "Car" from all the nights I sang you those songs.

Then, for the first time, you let me feed you through a bottle without much fuss. This is a big step since your mom needs a break every once in a while from the feedings. It's not that she doesn't love nursing you, but sometimes we all need a break.

You don't have to love this record, but you should know how much it means to me. The naivete and sense of wonder this album fills me is similar to how I feel when I watch you. Every day you seem to be more and more aware of the world around you. And every day, your mother and I fall more and more in love with you. I didn't think anyone (besides your mom) could make me feel the way a record like this does. I love this album, but I love you infinitely more, Lucia. And like I said, we are learning to love you more every day.

After all, there really is nothing wrong with love. Is there?

Love,

Dad

Binge Drinking

Dear Lucia,

I have a concern. I did not expect that we would have to have this talk so soon in your life. I mean, who has a chemical addiction at two weeks? However, I feel it necessary to discuss your binge drinking.

At first, you sipped a little here and there. It hurt your mother at times, until she was able to find ways to deal with it. Your drinking happened occasionally. It was even cute.

Then there were the late-night sessions that kept your mother up at all hours. You would drink so much that you'd pass out or even vomit everything you had ingested. This has gone on for a while and you should be aware of the effect it has had on us all.

Hopefully, once you start solid foods, your dependency on your mother's milk will subside. In the meantime, your friends at PETA will be very happy to know that you prefer human milk to that of cows.

Love,

Dad

Sarah Palin, Hillary Clinton, and 18 Million Cracks

Dear Lucia,

You don't know it yet, but you were born in one of the most significant years in our country's political history. For the first time ever, women have been a major part of the race for the presidency. Whether or not it happens in this year's election, it seems more than likely that a woman will be in the White House some time during your lifetime. Sadly, this has never happened before, but it could happen soon.

Hillary Clinton nearly became the first female nominee of a major party. She was narrowly defeated by Barack Obama for the Democratic nomination. More importantly, she earned more votes than any other runner-up in such a race. 18 million people actually voted for a woman for president. It was a tremendous accomplishment considering that there has never been a woman president or vice-president in our history. Clinton referred to the mark as 18 million metaphorical cracks in the glass ceiling that keeps women from getting on top of corporate or political ladders.

Even though Clinton did not break all the way through that ceiling, the Republican party has placed a woman on their ticket in the VP slot. Sarah Palin, the governor or Alaska, was chosen as John McCain's running mate. With this ticket, there is a guarantee of a first for the administration of our country. Either Barack Obama will become the first African-American president or Palin will become the first woman VP.

The only problem with all this is that Sarah Palin is nothing like Hillary Clinton. Clinton has actually fought for issues such as equal pay for women, while Palin has continually taken anti-feminist positions on women's issues. The sense is that McCain chose Palin more so because of her gender (and ultra-right-winged political stance), not her experience or know-how. It's actually more insulting to women to choose Palin for such political reasons. Palin is not qualified; Clinton was. Of course, we've had a male "president" for eight years that was seriously unqualified (see George W Bush), so why not have a unqualified woman?

The interesting development in this election is the attention paid to sexism. I fear that you will one day suffer from sexism, but hopefully the current dialogue will lessen that blow. When Clinton was still in the running, she was chastised for being too uppity or aggressive. She was criticized for not being feminine enough. (Whatever that means.) Now, Palin is receiving a lot of scrutiny for her appearance. No one wants to discuss the issues surrounding Palin, just her past as a beauty queen and hockey mom.

In all of this sexist political banter, the issues are lost. Forgotten is the political tenacity Hillary Clinton brought to the campaign in gaining 18 million supporters. Lost is that fact that Sarah Palin knows nothing of the Bush Doctrine and thinks foreign diplomacy means that you can see Russia from your porch. No one talks about the leadership Clinton has shown in her time as Senator. No one mentions that Palin is involved in ethics violations as governor. The only detail about these two politicians that matters is their gender.

My hope is that you will never be limited to your sex or gender (because they are two different things - more on that later). It's wonderful that you were born as a girl, and it will be wonderful whatever you decide to do with your life. I just don't want you to be pigeon-holed by some silly social construct. I want people to know Lucia for Lucia, because that will be good enough.

Love,

Dad

Scabs at One Week

Dear Lucia,

You are one week old today. The midwife weighed you and you are exactly the same weight (8 lbs 1 oz) as the day you were born. Another milestone was that your stub of an umbilical chord fell off in the bed.

You will have many scabs over your lifetime, but few will have the meaning and significance that the umbilical chord holds. That was the chord that connected you to your mother...well, to the placenta that was attached to your mother. That is how you received sustenance while in utero.

Speaking of connections, you mom's mom, Grandma Barb, flew in last night. You are a special grandchild to your Grandma Barb. It's not that she loves you more than your cousins. It's just that you are the daughter of her daughter. That's a special connection (even more so than the umbilical chord, which your grandma suggested we keep) that extends your feminine identity another generation. I know it seems confusing, but I expect that you will understand if and when you decide to have children of your own.

As far as my connection with you, we do some some things together in your first week of life. Since your mom feeds you all the time, I have taken it upon myself to help sooth you whenever necessary. You tend to like walking, bouncing on the birthing ball, and singing.

What do I sing to you? Well, I sing mostly music that is important to me. You really seem to like "Cut Your Hair" by Pavement...or at least Daddy's slow, twangy version. You also seem to like the Guided by Voices, Flaming Lips, Built to Spill, and Moldy Peaches songs I sing. Of course, I'm way off key and butcher many of the lyrics, but the songs seem to sooth you the same way they sooth me.

You and I will have many more conversations about these bands and others. Plus, we'll have many more things that will connect us. We don't have an umbilical chord, but we'll make due with what we've got.

Love,

Dad